T.S. Eliot Was Wrong

According to Eliot, April was the cruelest month. For me it seems to be September. Don't get me wrong . . . there's lots of great stuff going on. And I've always loved the "back to school" feeling autumn has. I don't think it's an accident that the Jewish calendar starts its New Year in this season.

But for several years now I've struggled through autumn. My beloved died in September. I don't sit around mourning, mind you. But I still remember. "Today is the day he died. Today is the day we bought his casket. Today is the day I wrote the eulogy. Today is the day we buried him." I'm not dwelling on it or stirring an old wound. It's just there . . . it's my life. And I remember. A few years later there was 9/11. A whole new set of memories. The way the air smelled. The fear and uncertainty in those first days afterward. Training with the Red Cross so I could volunteer at Ground Zero. A few years after that, Stephanie died in September. September has not been a happy time for several years now.

But this year has been so busy with so many good things happening. This year I thought I was sailing through the season just fine. This year, I thought, was different. More about renewal than about loss. And then.

On Friday the much-loved friend of a much-loved friend committed suicide. He got up in the morning. Walked the dogs with his wife. Sorted the recycling. Fed the dogs. Kissed his wife good-bye when she left for the gym. And then he hung himself in their garage, where his wife found him when she returned from her work-out. This news flattenend me. It is so painful to lose someone we love . . . I can't even imagine finding one's beloved hanging from a beam.

My friend John lost his mother when he was five. She died of polio. He remembers her raising herself from the guerney as she was being wheeled away by the ambulance crew to look him the eye. "Remember, Johnny, " she said, "Life is for the living."

She was right, of course. And what makes life most worth living? For me it's love. It's my friends. My family. In September, more than any other time, I want to draw close to those I love. To spend time with them. To literally hold onto them and be held by them. To all of you in my circle of souls . . . you know who you are. Please know that I recognize how blessed I am to have you in my life. I say thank you. In the fierceness of September especially. Thank you.