Well Done, Grasshopper

Photo: Petr Kratchovil

Today a friend sent me an e-mail with a good list of 45 things some 90 year old woman had learned and was passing along for the greater good. I'm a few years shy of 90, but it did get me thinking about what I've learned, through experience . . .

I decided to share a few random gems here. They're in no particular order, but many date back to my childhood on the farm -- a great place to learn! And, as my friends and family have often been my greatest teachers, I figured I'd credit them where appropriate.

1) Don't grab onto an electric fence with a wet mitten. (Learned this one myself . . . the hard way. Threw me backward into a snowbank and knocked me out cold.)

2) Likewise, if you are a boy, it is a bad idea to pee on an electric fence. (I think it was Tim who taught me this one. Talk about "get the sensation!")

3) And one more electric fence lesson -- if the big boys want to pass the current through them, don't let them put you at the end of the line. (The boys did these. We girls knew better instinctively.)

4) If you're at the end of the line playing crack the whip, don't let them let go of you! (I cracked my front teeth this way. Bore a striking resemblance to a beaver until the dentist corrected it.)

5) Just because you can ride the tricycle with no hands OR no feet, doesn't mean you can ride it with no hands AND no feet. (Learned this one in Alaska when I was three. That's why Carolyn should have listened to me about No. 6.)

6) Don't ride a boys bike down the very steep lane unless you know the brakes are in good working order so that you won't land in the barbed wire fence. (Learned this one from Carolyn's experiment. Aunt Daisy put Lysol in her bath water. Ouch.)

7) Try not to be the person on the BACK of the tobaggon. Especially if the hill is covered with ice. (Sherril's back was a mess for weeks.)

8) Don't lay a trail of gunpowder to the burn barrel and then light it while you're still holding the gunpowder. (Learned this one from my cousin Dominic. Think I might have figured it out without him, though. And not needed to test the theory. Dustin, had that bag been just an inch or two higher, you wouldn't be here.)

9) Don't spit tobacco juice into the wind. (Again, think I would never have needed to test this, especially as I've never had any need to spit tobacco juice. But my friend Calvin kindly demonstrated the lesson on a boat in Antigua. The tobacco juice flew into my face. I was not happy.)

10) Learn to forge at least one parent's signature well. This makes skipping school relatively easy, especially once your reputation as a "good student" is firmly entrenched.

11) If a boy throws a soccer ball at your head and gives you a concussion, it's a pretty sure guess he likes you. Ditto if he drags you into the boy's bathroom. Also if he throws spitballs at you on the schoolbus.

12) If your father finds a love note that Spitball Boy wrote you, it's a pretty sure bet he's going to tease you.

13) Sometimes, it's good to be proactive and sit on a boy until he kisses you. (My sister taught me this one. She was seven. The boy was a neighborhood bully. He never bothered her again.)

14) Don't let your friend fold you into her sofa bed. (Ronda learned this one the hard way . . . and was kind enough to share her wisdom with me.)

15) If you wear your new shoes when you're "brakeman" on the merry-go-round, your Mom is going to be REALLY mad! (Judy shared this one with me.)

I'm sure I've left out many . . . feel free to send along a few of your own favorite lessons from childhood. Collective wisdom really is best . . .